TWIST

Tuesday January 13th:

10:21am— I get to see my baby for the first time. He kinda’ looks like an egg.
11:03am— I’ve got a name for him: Mr. Bill.
11:40am— Mr. Bill and are about to go to lunch when he tells me he wants to say with Mr. Zynda for the rest of the day and learn how to speak Spanish.
3:05pm— I pick up Mr. Bill from Mr. Zynda. He can speak Spanish better than I can.
4:34pm— Mr. B. sits and watches me write this.
7:32pm— I put Mr. B down to sleep (in the frig, he likes it next to the other eggs).
‘Round
Midnight— Mr. Bill won’t stop crying. I’m starting to like this parenting thing already.

Wednesday January 14th:

7:18am— Mr. B. looks so peaceful just sleeping there. So I deiced not to wake him. I guess I’ll see him when I get home.
10:10pm— Mr. Bill and my two cats—Dusty and Tiger—had a good time playing Clue all day. But now I’m home from a ski team race and Mr. B’s already sleeping.


Thursday January 15th:

10:15pm— Today was pretty uneventful. This morning Mr. Bill cried all morning. So I gave him some Corn Flakes. He helped me get my ski stuff in the car. He carried out my pass. On the way to school he was singing. What, I don’t know? Something about Mr. Hanky The Christmas Poo. Well, let me tell you, I put a stop to that quickly. At school he was quiet all day, except at lunch when he yelled, ‘Food Fight’. Mr. Bill, what am I gonna do with you? Tonight at ski team practice he stayed in the race room, nice and warm, while I froze my butt off outside. Oh well, I’m home now and Bill’s sleeping next to me. He’s a cutie, but I still think he looks like an egg.


Friday January 16th:

4:23pm— Today at school, Billy decided that it would be funny to light my homework for Mr. Kennedy on fire in the bathroom. I just don’t know what’s gotten into him. All day he kept saying, “Fire! Fire! Fire!” then laughing like and idiot. I think he’s gettin’ these idea’s from TV. I’ve got to find out what he’s watching.
4:45pm— That’s it, I’m losing it with him. I just had to douse Dusty’s tail out. Bill lit it on fire. He climbed up onto the counter top and got into the box of matches we keep in the kitchen cabinet (for lighting candles) and he snuck up on poor Dusty and lit his tail on fire. Tiger thought it was soooooo funny. Well now he’s fighting with Dusty.
11:58pm— How could they do this? After getting home from seeing Titanic for the second time, I was just about to go upstairs when I heard this horrible smack. I ran into the kitchen and what do I see? Well, I’ll tell you. I see Dusty and Tiger running away and I see Mr. Bill lying on the floor, smashed, and dead. Oh no, I’m crying again. Those damn cats!


Saturday January 17th:

10:03am— Thank God for Moms.
10:20am— She’s a doll(get it), I love her. My new baby’s sooo cute. I will name her Beanie. She’s so well behaved too. So far......
2:30pm— I’m at Swain now and I’ve got to get up to the start house so I don’t miss my start. My Mom’ll watch her till I get back.
3:11pm— I’m back. Baby’s fine. A little cold.
10:30pm— On the way home, Beanie got snippy with me. She’s turning into Mr. Bill. I’m getting a little scared here.


Sunday January 18th:

11:45am— Well, Beanie thought it would be funny to delete all of my health articles I had been working on. I can’t figure out what’s gotten into her.
1:59pm— I think I know. I caught Beanie watching South Park. That is not television for a two day old baby. I heard her swearing like one of the kids on South Park. Then she started to sing that Mr. Hanky song. Just like Bill did. That’s it. No TV for her at all!
5:30pm— Beanie and Dusty & Tiger are now downstairs with my brother Michael playing Poker. Beanie’s ten bucks in the hole. Ha. Ha. Ha. This will be a good lesson in money management.
5:40pm— I just went down stairs to check on Beanie and she is now 35 dollars richer. And Michael owes her 20 bucks.


Monday January 19th:

9:31am— We ate breakfast and washed up together. She’s acting really good all of a sudden. I think she’s got something up her sleeve. I better be on my toes today.
5:52pm— Nothin’ happened today, we just kinda sat around and watched movies all day. I let her watch Twister. She loved it. Then we watched The Empire Strikes Back. Did you know that those Star Wars movies are really long?
7:20pm— Ruined. They’re all ruined. Beanie though all my old Rolling Stones’ were dirty. So she decided to wash them. She filled up the bathtub and threw all of them in. Oh, she saved the one with Brad Pitt on the cover. Gee, thanks. I can’t handle this anymore. I feel like I’m gonna blow a gasket here. Beanie’s driving me right up the wall. Thank God she’s not real and this story is just a figment of my overly active imagination, cos if it wasn’t, I don’t know what I would do.